It was another blissfully slow start to the morning. I’ve consciously disconnected from work this holiday—something I struggle with as a workaholic—and the mental break has been therapeutic. Allowing my mind to drift somewhat, I spent the morning lazily catching up on my blog writing. I find writing to be therapeutic, and I keep telling myself how fortunate I will be to have these memories captured for future reference. Writing things down helps me process the events of the day, which also helps me in ways I find it hard to articulate. With the writing safely out of the way, I turned my attention to today’s main event: LEGO.
Sandy and I turned our attention to Legoland. We had planned, or at least intended, to visit Legoland here in Florida once while we were here. At 45 Kilometres from Davenport, it’s about a three-quarters of an hour’s drive from us, so quite doable. We also set the expectation of a visit to the theme park with Joey, for whom that visit was primarily designed. LEGO is one of a handful of Joey’s special interests. Our front room—indeed, the entire house, it seems—is given over to displaying his LEGO sets. Many of his LEGO creations are on semi-permanent display, although boxes of LEGO bricks are scattered throughout the place and on the floor in all directions as well. You never have to walk far before treading on a LEGO brick.
Although a LEGO enthusiast, Joey is now twenty, so many of the attractions in the Legoland theme park are unlikely to excite him much. The park is principally focused on a younger demographic. Joey has been expressing an interest in two specific LEGO sets from the Monkie Kid series. Unfortunately, these were discontinued a few years ago, making them very hard to find. I did a bit of hunting around, but the only place I could find that had anything at all from that series was a small LEGO store in Haines City, about a twenty-minute drive from here. Even then, it was not the set Joey was interested in, and it was quite expensive as well. After a while, we realised a trip to Legoland wouldn’t be successful—not even worth it—if they didn’t have the Monkie Kid sets in stock at the store there.
We discussed the situation with Joey. We had to handle this delicately for several reasons. Firstly, his happiness is always precariously balanced. It doesn’t take much to knock him from that perch. Secondly, presenting him with questions or asking him to make decisions can frequently lead to a mental shutdown, as he is quickly overwhelmed. Lastly, we are trying to balance what’s right for him versus what’s right for the rest of the family. We frequently have to make accommodations for Joey’s condition, and that’s a simple fact of life for us. However, we are also aware of the imbalance this often creates. Pleasing Joey, which typically results in lower stress for everyone, frequently comes into direct conflict with doing what’s right for everyone else. The line between those two competing forces isn’t always easy to walk. It’s all too frequently not even easy to recognise, leaving us precariously walking the tightrope without knowing we’ve made a misstep until we hit the ground.
Secretly, I was hoping to avoid a trip to Legoland. I had already run through numerous Legoland scenarios in my mind that would have resulted in high stress levels. Between the heat, exhaustion, sensory overload and disappointment at not finding the right LEGO sets, there was just too much potential for things to go south. Nobody would have enjoyed themselves. I suggested instead that we visit the LEGO Store in Disney Springs. In place of buying tickets to Legoland, Joey would be able to get a little extra spending money to pick out something from the Disney Springs store. Everyone was happy with the compromise.
I went upstairs to check in on Jae and to see whether she wanted to go with us to Disney Springs. It’s a massive shopping haven, so I had high hopes that we might find something for her there. Jae hadn’t yet emerged from her bedroom, which I found locked. I tapped gingerly. With both Sandy and Jae, trying to engage them in the mornings often feels like a male spider approaching a much more dominant female spider. One inadvertent misstep, and the female eats the male. I heard a “What?!” from within, in a distinctly ‘go away’ tone of voice. Like me, she is often engaged with her phone (watching TikTok video clips, playing games, chatting with friends, etc.), and an external stimulus can interrupt this in an unwelcome way.
I said we were heading to Disney Springs and that she was welcome to come along. After a brief pause, she replied, “No, thank you. I’m having a day off.” It was a complex mix of emotions for me. I was pleased Jae was enjoying some downtime, sorry she wouldn’t be going with us, and overjoyed at not having my head bitten off. It felt like a win. I wondered whether her recent blog entry was somehow related to her needing to take a break. Was she reeling from the effects of having to accommodate her brother, or was there some other underlying cause? Either way, I was glad she would be enjoying some time just for her today.
Sandy decided that since Jae wasn’t going, she, too, would enjoy some downtime and possibly head back to bed to catch up on some sleep. That was the second time I survived losing my head this morning, so I took that win also and left with Joey.
I didn’t tell Joey the true extent of the budget I now had to play with. I gave him a lower figure, knowing that there would undoubtedly be a conflict between what he had to spend and what he wanted. I kept in reserve the resolution to that conflict, which was a bigger budget that he wasn’t aware of. In my mind, that was how I was going to make and keep him happy. Throughout this holiday, I’ve been looser with the budget than I might otherwise have been. This has resulted in spending more on the kids than initially planned. Part of this is because it is very likely to be the last time we spend a significant holiday together as a family of four. I wanted to go out with a bang, so to speak. Holidays for us have traditionally involved me bemoaning how much we’re spending or making references to our financial situation upon return. For this trip, I’ve consciously avoided doing that. For this trip, we will enjoy ourselves come hell or high water… or go bankrupt in the process. It could go either way at this point, and I frankly don’t care.
Our trip to the Disney Springs LEGO Store was a success, depending on which way you look at it. We came out with two large bags filled with six LEGO sets, including four big ones. This was perhaps a little more than I had planned, but two of the sets were complementary with a minimum spend. As expected, Joey spent quite some time hemming and hawing over how to resolve the conflict of which combination of sets he could get with his budget. As previously schemed, I resolved this by allowing him to get them all.
It wasn’t a complete free-for-all for Joey. I put him through a lot of negotiation before finally agreeing to get what he wanted. This included me requiring him to give up his weekly pocket money for a couple of weeks after returning from holiday. Essentially, Joey paid for much of the LEGO out of his own money. Additionally, one of the sets was mine, which, as far as Joey was aware, I purchased with my own money. In practice, of course, that was still Joey’s LEGO set, but it was a useful lever I was able to pull to help justify the expense to Sandy later in the day, when I inevitably would have to confront her about how much I had spent on LEGO.
Just around the corner from the LEGO Store was the Star Wars Galactic Depot store. Naturally, we were never going to miss an opportunity to divert there while in the vicinity. Between them, the LEGO and Star Wars shops were the two black holes. Joey and I were like two planets gripped firmly in their gravity wells. It was only a matter of time before they sucked us in.
One of Joey’s other special interests is Star Wars and, in particular, lightsabers. Wouldn’t you know it, but there was a lightsaber there he hadn’t yet added to his already impressive collection. Naturally, he was immediately conflicted about what to do in this situation, questioning his past decisions that had now led to this dilemma. Still very much in ‘do anything to please them all and to hell with the budget’ mode, I had some further negotiations with Joey about how to handle this situation. The upshot of it was that we left the shop with another lightsaber, and Joey now has almost no pocket money left for the month of December.
Back home, Sandy was awake again from her nap, and seemingly refreshed and relaxed. I sensed the black widow wasn’t hungry at the moment, so I revealed how much I’d spent on LEGO and more Star Wars paraphernalia. I babbled and changed the topic several times in quick succession, mentioning all the things I didn’t buy. This strategy often helps keep me out of trouble.
I also discussed that we should go out of our way to do something nice for Jae, to once again redress the imbalance. Joey had scored a boatload of new toys today, so it would only be fair that we reciprocate in some way for Jae. I felt Jae needed to know I was conscious of this and that I was actively thinking about it. Since she was locked away in her room today, I had scant opportunity to redress that imbalance with quality time or attention, which is the longer-term aim. The only other lever I had to pull in the moment was a financial one. Jae had been getting driving lessons in recent months and needed a few more lessons before her next exam. The agreement we had was that she would have to cover the cost of additional lessons and test attempts, which are pretty expensive in the Netherlands. I went upstairs to let Jae know I would be paying for the rest of her driving lessons and exam. It’s not a structural solution to the imbalance problem. She made it clear in her blog that it’s more about the quality time, attention and presence than it is about the money. However, it’s the tool I had in my hand at that moment, and I knew the burden of continuing with her driving lessons weighed heavily on her mind. I could at least remove that burden from her. That could be much more than I spent on Joey today, but he was ahead of the curve going in, so it would balance out once all the dust had settled. However, it wasn’t about the money; it was about the balance. Jae is naturally more reclusive than Joey. Joey requires more direct interaction, while Jae tends to focus more on her own social life, her schooling and her relationship with her girlfriend. That often means she locks herself away or spends more time with her friends than with us, not untypical for a nineteen-year-old. She was happy about the driving lessons, and seemed to recognise I was trying to do what I could to ensure she got an equal share of our time and attention. This will be a work in progress, and further work is still needed.
I further gave Jae the option of deciding where we might eat tonight. It was only a small gesture, but it would give her more agency in light of all the accommodations she had to make for Joey’s sake these past weeks. In the event, she didn’t have many suggestions of her own. She ultimately went with her mother’s suggestion of TGI Friday’s.
Thirty minutes later, we pulled into the restaurant, which just happened to be adjacent to SeaWorld. Joey was still buzzing from his newly acquired stash of LEGO and lightsaber, so we were all hopeful of a relaxing dinner with no stress…but. The waitress came to our table and asked whether we would like some drinks. I immediately indicated a Coke for Joey, since that’s typically all he drinks, and the easiest choice to make while the rest of us pondered what we wanted. The waitress then apologised, but the Coke dispenser was currently out of order. Sandy, Jae and I all reacted immediately and in the same way. We each gasped, our expressions suddenly filled with fear and dread. Oh no. Was this going to be the fly in the ointment, knocking Joey off his happy perch? “Do you have Fanta?” Sandy beseeched, knowing that Joey drank that back home. “Yes, we do,” came the reply, to which the rest of us each breathed a comical sign of relief. Bullet dodged.
As is typically the case, Joey had brought one of the LEGO sets with him to build at the table while all ate. I came close to pointing out that he was constructing ‘my’ LEGO set, since it was the one I bought ‘for me’. He was on his happy perch, so I thought better of it.
We all went on to enjoy a relaxing meal. We all ate more than we needed to, and there was certainly more than enough food on the table. With Joey’s face buried fairly and squarely into his LEGO, the rest of us had an opportunity to chat. Since we are all fairly addicted to our phones, we chat with each other intermittently. Sandy, Jae and I all ordered the same meal. Now and then, one of us asked Joey if he wanted something from our plates, but he was in the zone and not very chatty.
This was our first visit to a Friday’s since arriving, so we needed to learn from the experience and to judge better what we should have ordered. The size of the bill bore out that fact at the end of the evening. Oh well. Money is a burden, and you can’t take it with you when you die, as the expression goes.
Today, I tried to keep the peace, making everyone happy, whether that meant actively engaging with Joey for his benefit or giving respite to Sandy and Jae from doing the same. As is so often the case, keeping the family happy meant keeping Joey happy, alas, another demonstration of what Jae articulated in her blog. It’s so often a necessary evil, and frequently harder to do than it sounds. Striking the balance is as much an art as it is a science. I don’t always get it right. Today, I believe I had a relatively successful day. There were no meltdowns, no major crises and no tears at the end of the day. Winning. Despite not seeing much of Jae today, I also did what I could for her, committing to picking up the tab for her ongoing driving lessons and reexam. It’s not a structural solution to the problems she expressed in her blog, but I am now more conscious about these issues and looking for ways to improve things. Sandy enjoyed a relaxing day at home with her Kindle, and we all benefitted from a lovely, no-stress meal together as a family. And me? Well, if the family is happy, then I’m happy. I don’t have many complex needs beyond that. I was able to retreat behind my laptop at the end of the night, doing what I enjoy doing, which is blogging about the experiences of the day.